Up All Night to Get Bucky
by lolwat64
Summary: Bucky's back, and he's having some trouble adjusting to normal life. Well, as normal as the life of any Avenger could be anyway...


Up All Night to Get Bucky

The sound and smell of eggs and bacon filled the kitchen. It was 3:40 in the morning, 20 minutes before Steve would wake up. Bucky had gotten up early to make him breakfast in bed.

The smoke alarm blared. As it turned out, the Russians hadn't felt much of a need to program him with cooking skills. He ran about frantically trying to stop the three fires that had started on the oven.

"What's going on?"

His heart sank. It was Steve.

"I... I wanted to surprise you!" Bucky said attacking the fires with several machine guns.

Steve chuckled.

"Every time. When will you learn how to order out? That's a thing now you know," Steve said as he nudged Bucky out of the way and grabbed the fire extinguisher next to the stove.

"Nothing's open right now."

"It's called the city that never sleeps for a reason, Bucky."

Steve extinguished the flames, shut off the smoke alarm and opened some windows.

Bucky pouted. He'd been free of the bad guys' influence for three months now but still struggled with basic life stuff. Steve wrapped his arms around him and kissed his forehead.

"It's okay," Steve said.

Later that day, they were hanging out with Natasha at some coffee shop called "Central Perk".

"Have you guys ever considered a threesome?" Natasha said, taking a sip of her double-chai latte extra-foam or something.

"Goddammit Natasha! Every single day!" Bucky thrashed about in his seat.

"Well, as you know, I'm bisexual, so I'd be totes okay with it. But Bucky is gay as fuck. There's no way he'd be into it unless you were a man somehow," Steve said.

"Hmm... I think that can be arranged..." Natasha said.

After coffee, they went to a Mad Science Lounge full of wannabe evil geniuses and their pet ferrets.

"I want to be turned into a man for a night," Natasha said to one of the Mad Scientists. She looked back at Steve and Bucky.

"Make that two nights."

"A man? Well it's not so simple Miss Lady. You see, gender transition isn't something that occurs over night, it requires time and you have to take these hormones and stuff..."

Natasha rolled her eyes.

"This is comic books. It doesn't need to be an accurate representation of how the real world works!" Natasha said. The mad scientist nodded and injected her with a special concoction of _Super Testosterone. _Almost immediately, a large beard started forming on Natasha's face.

"Augh, it's itchy!"

"That's normal," said the scientist.

The beard grew and grew and grew some more until it reached down to Natasha's feet.

"Oh no! My ill-concieved attempt at science has unexpectedly gone awry!" Cried the scientist.

"Do something!" Steve ordered.

"Haha, no."

The scientist ran off with the cure.

"We have to go after him! Avengers, assemble!" Steve said.

After a minute, Iron Man, Thor and the Hulk crashed in through the roof.

"What's the trouble, Cap?" Tony said. He caught sight of Bucky and glared.

"Haha! Black Widow looks funny!" Hulk said.

"By Odin's beard! That's the most magnificent beard I've ever seen!" Thor said, swooning over Natasha's beard which now reached outside the building.

The Avengers flew off after the villainous scientist and beat him up. They came back with the de-bearding potion.

"Here's the cure Natasha," said Tony. Natasha took the potion and lifted it to her lips, but stopped. Thor was slobbering lustfully over her beard which now extended across half the city.

"Maybe I'll wait," she said and threw the potion over her shoulder. She approached Thor and he flew them off to a nearby hotel to have big, beardy sex.

"Tony, will you please stop staring at Bucky like that? You and I were over long before he came into my life," Steve said.

"It's not that," said Tony, looking Bucky up and down. "You guys ever had a threesome before?"

"Hulk want threesome too!"

"Sure thing, big guy," said Tony and the four of them left together. That night they would have the most bizarre four-personed threesome in history. The End.


End file.
